A Matter of Manhood
by quentin7
Summary: Beka said, I’d say you need to find a different way of defining manhood, unless you both want to relinquish the title based on current standards. Who will win a contest for manhood on the Andromeda? Just some slightly sleazy fluff.


Author: Quentin7

Disclaimer: I don't own Andromeda, nor do I make any money off this brief use of its characters.

Rating: M. And, without giving too much away, let's just say it contains some things that might offened the sexually conservative.

Note: This is my first attempt at Andromeda stuff. I will admit to being a relative novice to the show, so if I screw up something important, it can only help me if you let me know. This takes place at some indeterminate time—with some obviously made up backstory (bear with me)—season 4ish. The whole thing is meant to be fun. Just a little exercise for the old libido. Don't take it too seriously.

A Matter of Manhood

The bar was a dive—a deserted one, in fact—but the alcohol helped that.

The alcohol did not, however, particularly do its job in the cheering-up-the-despondent-crew department, but Trance was confident that it would. Eventually. It usually did.

Beka and Harper were silent, but in different ways. Beka was zoning out, almost asleep. Harper's brain was going a mile a minute, probably trying to figure out just how he might have been faster repairing the protective barrier that should have helped them keep "that stupid hunk of metal"—a priceless artifact with uncertain powers—out of the wrong hands.

Not that Dylan and Rhade had been particularly good at hand-to-hand combat on this occasion either. That's why they sat brooding over the events of the day, stewing in their own misery.

At least they were not complaining about the bar.

Rommie sat in front of Trance, raising her eyebrow as Dylan and Rhade began their latest bout of one-upsmanship, mumbling but clearly combative.

Rommie said to Trance, "The game is called, I believe, 'You suck worse than I do.'"

Trance giggled. "I'm surprised they haven't started in on Harper."

"Hey!" Harper called from across the room. "I heard that."

Rhade was standing, striking a rather menacing pose as if prepared for combat. He said to Dylan "You can't tell me I'm not a intimidating figure."

Dylan shot back, "I can very easily."

"Which kinda proves it," Beka called out from across the room, finally deciding to get up and join them.

Dylan said, "Intimidating doesn't get you squat if you can't back it up with anything. Eventually that whole 'I'm a Nietzschean, fear my wrath' thing gets old."

"At least I have a legacy of fear behind me. You, my friend, are a peace-monger."

"Bite your tongue," he said, sarcastically.

"I'm serious."

"I can see that. But that doesn't mean I'm feeble."

"I know you must feel that way sometimes, compared to me," Rhade said. Trance noted that he was smiling, playful almost, but he was also quite serious.

Dylan leaned forward. "How?"

"Less of a man."

Dylan stood up. "Would you like to see which one of us more rightly fits that description?"

He stepped toward Rhade as a weary Beka crossed into the space between them.

She said, "You've both had your asses kicked today. Obviously, that makes you want to win at something, but it ain't gonna be a pissing contest. I'd say you need to find a different way of defining manhood, unless you both want to relinquish the title based on current standards."

They both sat down, thoroughly dejected now.

Harper finally joined the drooping cluster of crew members. "I never even get the chance to fight. There have to be other ways to define manhood."

Beka was looking from man to man, and she finally smiled and shook her head. Trance could practically hear Beka's thoughts: Finally, something amusing to cheer me up. Beka said, "What is manhood? Rommie?"

"Defined as maleness: a genetic variable, denoting the presence of a Y chromosome. It manifests in the presence of male hormones, which in most species lead to the formation of a phallic instrument, capable of—"

"We know all of this," Dylan said.

Beka said, "Yes, Rommie. Man equal penis. Penis equal power." She looked at Trance mischeivously; she was plainly devising a way to annoy them.

Trance said, "But what kind of power?"

"Very good, my female friend," Beka replied. "Power. What the hell is it? We've already decided that there's a relative lack of physical power here today." She looked directly at Rhade, and he growled at her.

Trance said, "There's also intelletual power."  
Harper groaned at that, slumping further in his chair. "Normally, I'd be all over that."

Beka crossed over to his chair. "Harper, you didn't screw up the protection field. I accidentally severed the power connection from the Maru."

His face darkened. Trance was certain she was about to see some physical power manifested if she didn't intervene. Squeezing his arm, she said, "So, Harper, you're still the intelletual power of the Andromeda."

"I take offense at that," Rommie said.

"Don't rob me of my manhood," Harper said.

"Impossible," she said, looking sideways at Trance. There was a glimmer in her eyes.

Harper missed their sarcasm; he sat down, content.

Beka perched on the table, between where Dylan and Rhade were sagging into their seats. "So what kind of masculine power can you two come up with to redeem yourselves."

Rhade suddenly sat up. "I'm a fertile man."

"So is Harper," Dylan said. "Given the banging I hear from his quarters."  
Harper, still basking in his intelletual power, only smirked.

Beka was looking straight at Rhade. "When was the last time you got laid?"

He looked a little bewildered and refused to answer.

Dylan said, "Two weeks ago."

Rhade and Beka whipped their heads in his direction.

"For me, I mean," he said. "I don't know about fertile—since I don't have a preoccupation with procreation—but I'd say I'm virile enough."

"I've impregnated several women."

"Big deal," Dylan said. "Did they enjoy it?"

Rhade stood up, but Beka pushed him back into his seat. "So, what's more important: man's ability to propagate the species or woman's willingness to be with that man? I know my vote."

Trance said, "I don't know. Attracting a woman is awfully important."

Dylan looked smug, but Rommie sighed, which made everyone turn and look at her. She looked at Dylan out of the corner of her eye and said, "We can't give the edge to Dylan based on his tryst with a prostitute."

He frowned at Rommie, and Rhade chuckled, saying, "Unless we count manhood in currency."

Everyone was quiet for a moment until Beka smiled, a nice wicked smile. "Obviously, we can't test your fertility very easily. But we can test your masculine charms."

"How?" Rhade said.

"Kissing. It's quick and simple. Each of you has to kiss me—you know, do your best to turn me on, show me every weapon in your male arsenal."

"Interesting choice of words," Dylan said.

"Okay, not every weapon. But a lot can be discerned about a man from the way he kisses."

Dylan stood up. "You're not a fair judge."

"Oh?"

"You've had a—Well, let's just say Rhade will have a definite advantage if you're the judge."

Beka didn't even blush. Instead, she looked matter-of-factly at Rhade and frowned. "Okay. Then Trance will also judge. Because we know—"  
Trance said, "I don't think that's necessary."

Rommie said, "I'll do it."

"No offense," Beka said, "But you don't exactly have a lot of experience in the lust department."

Harper said, "I don't know. I'd say Dylan taught her everything she knows about—"

Rommie shot him a dirty look and he stopped.

Rhade got up. "If Trance is in, I'm game. You up to the challenge, Hunt?"

"More than," Dylan said.

Trance smiled. Though she rarely found macho behavior attractive, she found herself anticipating this contest.

Dylan stood in front of Beka and Rhade in front of Trance. Rommie said, "Thirty seconds. Go."

Dylan immediately pounced on Beka, pushing her into the support beam behind her. Rhade shook his head at them, quickly focusing his warm hazel eyes on Trance. He pulled his fingers slowly down the side of her face and neck then swiftly kissed her. His lips were hard but gentle. Pulling her into his chest, he kissed her lightly, but it was enough to almost make her stop breathing. It was actually a little dizzying, especially the way his hands moved around her body—light but meaningful touches. His fingers massaged the nape of her neck, and he broke the kiss, taking the time to nibble at her lips. Kissing her once more deeply, as if he were leaving a last wonderful impression on her, he touched his lips lightly to her neck, whispering in her ear, "You are divine." He had a second or two to look in her eyes before Rommie called time. Trance snapped unwillingly out of Rhade's spell, and she noticed that Dylan was still kissing Beka, and his hands were certainly wandering.

"Time, Captain," Rommie said, and Dylan raised his head from where he'd been kissing Beka's neck. He straightened up and let out a deep breath.

"Okay, then," Beka said. "I think we need a minute or two to cleanse the palate, so to speak."

Harper said, "I think I need a cold shower."

Rommie said, "I'm almost certain Dylan does."

Dylan blushed a little. He said, "Let's scatter for a while," and he retreated to a chair in the corner, by a window.

Trance watched Rhade walk out of the bar, smiling at how he'd been just as cocky as she'd assumed he'd be. But much more passionate. She would never have believed a thirty second kiss from Rhade would turn her on like that.

After Harper and Beka had another drink and Trance recovered her faculties, Rhade came back in and Dylan pried himself away from his view out the window.

"It really is a shame this isn't a contest for procreation," Rhade said.

Beke smirked at him. "I don't think we want to know each other that well."

They resumed their positions. Beka and Rhade stood in front of each other chuckling and raising their eyebrows as Dylan eyed Trance quizzically. When Rommie called start, Trance didn't even look at Rhade and Beka. It was impossible to do that with Dylan staring her in the face. It was actually a little weird to see him forcing his sexuality, all swagger. It didn't suit him.

He held her face in his hands, seemingly unsure of how to start. Suddenly, the apprehension and put-on sensuality seemed to melt from his face. "Oh, Trance," he said, finally kissing her. Part of her cursed the precious seconds he'd wasted, but she soon couldn't think of anything but how soft his lips were, how he kissed her in so many different ways, finally settling on sucking on her upper and lower lip, alternating.

His hands had moved down to her hips, and he pulled her body into his. Slowly, he edged the tip of his tongue into her mouth. Involuntarily, his hips pressed against hers and she could feel just how turned on he was. For a moment, he rocked his hips against hers as his tongue went into and out of her mouth. She was just returning the favor when Rommie called time.

Rhade had bent Beka over the table, and Trance was fairly certain his hands had been on her breasts.

Dylan and Rhade sat back down where they had been earlier. The two pratically glowed—a nice haze of testosterone.Trance was beginning to think it didn't actually matter who was declared the winner. They were both now quite satisfied with their ability to turn a woman on.

She said as much to a disheveled Beka when they went outside.

"Thank God," Beka said. "I can't choose."

"They're both…"  
"Yeah." She leaned against the wall. "Did Rhade do that thing where you think he's sucking the soul out of your body?"

"Umm hmm. Did Dylan…?" She stopped, embarrassed.

"He sure knows how to use his tongue."

Trance smiled in agreement. "They're both definitely man enough. I think they know that."

"Let's go tell them."

However, it did not go over as well as they thought.

"Are you kidding?" Dylan said.

Rhade got up. "That's crap. Who was better?"

Beka said, "You were both mind-blowing, phenomenal. You turned Trance into mush, and you gave me a run for my money."

"We can't decide," Trance said. "You both had a rather overwhelming effect on our libidos."

Rhade said, "Then judge us on our technique."

"Yeah," Dylan said.

"Can't," Beka answered. "It's not that simple. Dylan's hands, Rhade's eyes. Backs, thighs, smells—it all gets in the way."

Dylan said, "Then let Rommie judge."

"With what?" Harper said. "She still doesn't have any comparative experience."

Rommie said, "I object to my exculsion, although logically I would not be an ideal judge."

Beka said, "We need someone with experience who isn't attracted to either Dylan or Rhade." Slowly, her eyes turned to Harper. He didn't speak.

The other two men, however, did. "No way," Dylan said.

Rhade echoed, "I'm not into scrawny engineers."

Beka said, "If you guys are serious, it's the only way."

As the were considering it, Harper got a gleam in his eyes. "Come on, guys. The Harper doesn't bite. It's your chance to reclaim your masculinity, at my expense no less."  
Trance wondered what he was up to. He should have balked the way they did.

Beka said, "Come on. Don't tell me neither one of you has ever been stuck on a ship, desperate for companionship…"

They both narrowed their eyes at her, but they didn't argue. Dylan, in fact, blushed a little.

Finally, Rhade said, "Okay. I'll do it. If Harper's man enough to actually make a decision."

Harper said, "Dylan?"

"I'll never live this down. I don't know if I want to win this badly." A look at Rhade's grin made him frown. "Okay. But I'm going first. And I think we should limit this to fifteen seconds."

Harper said, "Fine by me."

Rommie, Trance, and Beka watched as Dylan approached Harper. When Rommie said start, Dylan closed his eyes, grabbed the back of Harper's head, and pressed their faces together. They kissed hungrily for a few seconds, and then Trance saw Harper's tongue slip into Dylan's mouth.

Rhade raised his eyebrows and they held back giggles as Dylan and Harper's bodies met and they continued kissing deeply. It looked and sounded worse than any holo-pornography Trance had ever run across.

When Rommie called time, Dylan sat down, a little dazed. Rhade stepped in front of Harper. Trance had a feeling that Rhade was not a stranger to kissing men. Besides, as a Nietzschean, he could kiss anyone he wanted, so long as he was dominating things.

Rommie called start and Harper put his hands on Rhade's chest, quickly pushing him into the support beam as Rhade had Beka. Rhade was too startled for a moment to do anything. Only when Harper's tongue went into Rhade's mouth did the Nietzschean respond, grabbing at Harper's arms and back desperately. Trance thought she heard a moan as Harper stepped closer to Rhade, their bodies pressed tightly together.

Rommie called time, but the two didn't break their embrace. In fact, Rhade held Harper fast and began to kiss his neck—sucking on a spot just to the left of Harper's adam's apple. When Rhade stepped back from Harper, breathless, Harper had the beginnings of a formidable hickey on his neck. And a rather obvious erection.

Rhade sat down beside Dylan, and the two exchanged a look that Trance couldn't identify. Shock? Desire? Confusion? Defeat?

Beka said, "Okay, Harper. It seemed pretty clear to me, but I want to hear it from you."

"Well," he said, breathing deeply, grinning sheepishly. "It was a difficult job, but someone had to do it. The best kisser, the most manly member of this crew was—"

"Seamus Harper," Dylan said quietly.

"Hell yeah," Rhade answered sourly, getting up and going toward to bar.

Harper basked in the glow as Beka sat down, stunned. She said to Trance, "It was kissing us first."

"Undoubtedly."

Rhade returned with two drinks in each hand. He sat two of them in front of Dylan.

"We fight another day," he said.

"Today, we wallow," Dylan answered.

Harper practically floated over to them, putting his hands on Rhade's shoulders. "Oh, guys, don't feel bad. You will some day achieve my level of masculinity."

Rhade growled, grabbing one of Harper's wrists and pulling him down to his level.

Harper whispered something in Rhade's ear that made them both blush, then he grabbed one of Rhade's drinks and sauntered out into the street for some air.

Dylan said, "Watch out for that one, Telemachus. He'll break your heart."

Rhade didn't reply. He only nursed his drink and stared at the door.

end-

(If anyone's interested, I could cook up a sequel. Harper/Rhade? Dylan/Trance? Fluff, mush, smut…I'm game.)


End file.
